Thanks to the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, gentlemen don't prefer blondes anymore, and cattlemen like them dumb and docile

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada" -- Britney Spears

Blame Britney, Paris Hilton and David Miller.

Blondes are the new pariahs. The misfits of society.

The big Sun Media sex survey this week has them trailing brunettes and even black-tops in sex appeal.

Even more shocking, Men's Health magazine tells me 75% of men would rather wake up with a brunette than with a blond.

"Good grief," says the blond with whom I usually wake up. "Do something about this. Write something."

So I start with Strawberry blond Sheila McNevan is the director.

I reach her at home near Peterborough.

Say, Sheila, how many blondes in Ontario?

"Oh, about 10,000."

That's all? Maybe the surveys are right.

What's new with blondes, Sheila?

"Well, we had our big Cream of the Crop sale last Saturday at Hoard's Station near Campbellford."

A sale? That's weird. You people sell blondes?!

"Just your better blondes. Not your lower end ones."

I wish I'd known. What makes a top blond?

"They're very lean. And blondes are known for their docility. Nice and quiet and easy to handle."

Not in my experience. Anyway, how many blondes did they sell on Saturday?

"About 100 of them. Best price was about $3,500."

That's a bargain. Maybe Paris Hilton has brought the price down.

So, what does one look for when buying a blond?

"Well, the men usually talk about nice legs, good hips, a good back so they don't slouch.

"And the udder of course."

The what?

"The udder. She has to have a strong udder."

Holy cow, Sheila. I'm finally catching on. Like a blond with half a brain. (What do you call her? Gifted.) Is it true that blondes are dumb?

"No more than any other cow," she says. "We have about 400 head on our farm, all different breeds."

Limousin, Jersey, Angus.

"The blondes are the most fun."

Official name is Blonde d'Aquitaine, a beef breed brought here from France in 1971. The Ontario association's slogan is "Cattlemen Prefer Blondes."

Seriously, back to our survey. I call Johnny Cupello, hairdresser to the stars, at his JCSalons, on Bloor St.

Are blondes on the run, Johnny?

"Bull!" he says.

Oh, don't start with the cattle thing, Johnny.

"At least 70% of the women who come into my salon want to be blond"

He thinks a minute. "At least the ones 35 and up.

"The reverse is true under 35. They want brunette. That's the trend right now."

For one thing, brunette hair colouring is easier on your follicles than platinum blond.

Besides, says Johnny, evolution will make true blondes extinct in a few decades.

Imagine, in the year 2107, the World Blond Museum.

Exhibits honouring Marilyn, Mae West, Diana, Jean Harlow, Barbie, Nick Nolte, Anna Kournikova, Eminem, Sharon Stone, Redford, Gwyneth, Dolph Lundgren, Sweden, Reese Witherspoon ...

Fear not, though. Blondes, real or otherwise, aren't going anywhere.

Those survey results look mighty suspicious to me. I bet respondents were being politically correct. I don't believe 75% of men want to wake up with a brunette, not a blond.


No comments: